Welp...herpes.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
