why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
