I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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