Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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