Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
