He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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