my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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