Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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