just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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