Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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