so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
BRING THE BAGELS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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