I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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