My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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