Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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