my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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