my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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