i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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