She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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