dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
