i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
