would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
