She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
