Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
