my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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