The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
