Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
