i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
