separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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