Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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