My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh god it's open bar.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
