you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
