i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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