and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
