Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize