My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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