she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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