I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
