I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
