My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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