Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
