made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
