You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize