I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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