There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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