dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
