your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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