I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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