dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
