Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
