Someone shit on the floor
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
