I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
