Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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