Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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