Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
