you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
