ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
