i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So squirting runs in the family.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
