wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
