***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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