you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
