i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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