Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
