My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
