I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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