Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize